I was bored.
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor