Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
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Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
can’t catch a break
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?