Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
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6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Warm pools make me nervous.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets