buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
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*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Going into Monday like
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.