Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
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Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.