Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
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Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Grandmother clock.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”