Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
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Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
fair
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring