Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
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The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.