an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
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Still my favourite meme.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???