an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
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I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
❤️🦆
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
your honor my client chooses dare
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”