[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
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I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
where the womens at?
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!