[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
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Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.