An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
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Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop