@kimt205: An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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@BrandandCo: I feel like Neil deGrasse Tyson would be the most annoying person in the world to watch Space Jam with
@TySmithdrums: I got hit by a car today, guys. Don't worry. I'm okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.
@brynnester: [First Date] Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?
@BoscoPorter: Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of shit?"