An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
You Might Also Like
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
felt that
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.