An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
True
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma