An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
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Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I鈥檓 replacing.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero 猸愶笍s. Do not recommend.
You don鈥檛 hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don鈥檛 know what I did to piss her off.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I鈥檓 running that far.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
100% of all bab褨es are unemployed. Pathet褨c.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
馃槵
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren鈥檛 supposed to.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay