Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
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“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
my name if I was in the mob