An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
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what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down