An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
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I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
at ease…shoulder.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.