An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
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Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I love the honesty
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.