An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.