An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking