An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
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In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
🏙👨🏼
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?