@TheTweetOfGod: An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you're out of eyes.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [news anchor] "Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-" *wife changes channel*
@jnapsalot: Came home to my husband watching ID Channel, dinner cooked and an empty sink. I have never feared for my life and been simultaneously turned on than I am in this moment.
@paperphotoyo: My neighbor can't understand why he just found human shit on his front porch. I can't understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.
@KattsDogma: [Spelling Bee] Judge: Your word is 'babe' Bee: B-A-E J: Sorry. There's another 'B' Bee: WHAT! WHERE? *goes crazy* *stings Judge* *dies*