An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
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First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.