An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
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Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.