4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil