If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.