Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
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That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.