Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
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i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks