An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
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“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!