@mjkspeaks: An important phone call is something that occurs when there's no better excuse to ignore someone.
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@FilthyRichmond: Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you'll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
@LaziestCanine: Cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you Me: yes, he was not very friendly
@XLToast: Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough. Model: Are you a starving artist? Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*