@mjkspeaks: An important phone call is something that occurs when there's no better excuse to ignore someone.
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@stevezorz: Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
@Douchekevin: Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she's driving. Girls are weird.
@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: let's go vegetarian Husband: can we still eat eggs M: of course H: fish? M: obviously H: bacon on special occas- M: we'd be crazy not to
@Holy_Mowgli: ROBBER: is this all the cash? CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok