An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
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I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Sing it!
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days