@mjkspeaks: An important phone call is something that occurs when there's no better excuse to ignore someone.
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@LizHackett: Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
@MatCro: CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
@AddTequila: Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she's legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.
@bridger_w: Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone's cart and demanding they fight you