An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.