AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
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why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
*lint rolls you awake*
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
The future is now.