@Bry_Mac: An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We're a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
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@SirEviscerate: ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife ME: please no
@thetobbie: Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn...
@Sarcasticsapien: People in love use phrases like "takes my breath away" and "swept me off my feet". I think they're confusing love with attempted murder.