An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
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Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
God has left this place
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.