@TellingTellers: An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
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@StaceyShortcake: My phone autocorrects 'sex' into 'pez' in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
@UncleDuke1969: *kneels to pray* “Hello, God?” “YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.” “Who is this?” “MY NAME IS BRAD.” “Are you in Heaven, Brad?” “NO, INDIA.”
@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Onions make me cry. HER: It's from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide. ME: I think it's probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
@ShittyComedian: Don't you hate it when you're so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.