An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
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“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches