An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
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Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Hello Twits.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.