For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
sry
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Jail
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.