An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
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*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay