An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
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Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
You sure about that?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)