@13spencer: An Italian rugby player will miss a match against Scotland after being bitten by a dog; Scotland was quoted as saying "good boy."
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@novicefather: You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don't like you and she likes everyone.
@TheBoghdady: "When a girl says 'Awww Thanks!', it means she's politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from."
@tweetsvisual: I like a good strong woman. But I prefer them not to be named Olga and bench press me in front of my friends.
@Breadery: When my kids misbehave we watch 'Honey, I Shrunk the Kids' and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.