I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
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Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
catch me on valentine’s day like
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.