Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
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i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business