An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
You Might Also Like
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Social Media and Real life
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.