An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
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First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Harsh but fair
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
There is no “we” in pizza
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough