An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
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My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.