an octopus is just a wet spider
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
58.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented