an octopus is just a wet spider
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PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.