An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
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establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Hot hot hot 🥵
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
It’s an epidemic…
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.