[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
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I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.