[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum