An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
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Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
this isn’t threatening at all
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.