An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
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On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.